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So you wanna discuss body types?


Category: Personal // 25.07.2017 at.02:48 o' clock // 4 comments


I don't like discussing body types. To be honest I think there's way too much of that going on already, and no matter how you twist and turn it, nothing good seems to come from it. It seems, to me, that people can't 'accept' a certain body type without dissing an other. If that's how it's gotta be, I think the best thing for us all, would be to just shut our mouths. As long as you're dissing one body type to justify an other, this war will never end. As someone who suffered from anorexia in my early teens, I find it especially provoking that people are so quick to label every skinny person they see as "anorexic" or "sick". Most skinny girls aren't actually sick. But I, a chubby girl, was.



I developed Anorexia Nevrosa when I was thirteen years old. Before that, I had spent years trying to lose weight the healthy way. I first started worrying about my weight when I was nine years old, after being called fat and ugly ever since I was six. Even at such a young age people would call me names, beat me up, steal my lunch because I was "already fat so there's no need to add to it by eating" and tell me that the reason nobody wanted to hang out with me was that it was 'embarrassing' to be seen with a fat person. At that point I wasn't even fat. At nine years old I had a flat belly and a gap between my thighs. I was an active and healthy kid.

At that point I didn't actually think of myself as fat. I wanted to lose weight mainly because I wanted people to stop calling me fat and treating me like scum. The idea that being skinny is the only true way to love and happiness was forced down my throat from a very young age, thanks to classmates and parents. The weight gain started when I started dieting the healthy way. I first tried the "eat small meals every 2 hours" or something like that, which made me gain weight fast. After that I tried the typical "eat breakfast every morning" thing, which also made me gain weight like crazy. What's really bizarre is that I didn't eat much. I ate normal portions, and it was all healthy stuff like bread, fruits, and so on. I was also an active girl, riding horses, playing soccer, etc. Yet, no matter how hard I tried losing weight, I only got fatter. And fatter. And fatter.

At the age of thirteen I was chubby. I had a bmi of 20, which is considered normal, but my belly was hanging out and my thights were rubbing against each other, creating painful sores. So yes, chubby - or fat - was definitely the right word.

At this point I was so done with everything. Being big made me suicidal, and I had reached the point where I no longer cared. I just wanted to die. So I decided I wanted to starve myself to death. From the moment the idea popped into my head, there was no hesitation whatsoever. I put my piece of toast down, threw it away, and stopped eating completely. For the following days I didn't eat anything. My mother had to sit on top of me and force a piece of bread down my throat because I refused to have a bite.

I was very strict with myself. If I so much as thought about giving in, I would take the nearest, sharp object I could find, drag it across my arms until I started bleeding and then, if I was still hungry, I'd put salt in the open wound. I used pain and self harm to distract myself from hunger.

This is how I started losing weight. As the weight started coming off, I started going on google to find tips on how to keep it up. I found a pro ana community full of advice on how to hide the negative effects of starvation, how to stop your stomach from growling, how to trick yourself into thinking that you're not hungry, and so on. This is also where I became obsessed with my weight.

At one point it was so bad that I even refused to take showers (gross, I know) because I was afraid there could be calories in the water.

So, what did I look like on the outside? Was I the typical skinny girl with collar bones, thigh gap and ribs showing? No. I was still a very chubby girl. If you were to spot me on the street, you'd never think I wasn't eating. You'd probably think I was eating too much. You'd never think I exercised for two full hours every day. You'd probably think I just sat on my ass all day. When my hair started falling out due to starvation, I was still far from skinny.

And that's just the thing. Everyone thinks that a girl with eating disorders must be skinny. That she must look starved and sick. But truth is, many of us start out as big. It's not the skinny girls in magazines that are to blame, or the dolls bought at Toys'R'us. It's our fellow classmates, calling us names and making fun of our weight. It's the boys turning away in disgust when you show up to a date and you don't look as slim as you did in the photos where you were sucking your tummy in so hard you couldn't breathe. It's your parents treating your skinny siblings better than you. Some big girls never reach the 'flat belly' stage before they die of starvation. Some never even get past the "overweight" category. Yes, anorexia makes you lose weight fast, but that doesn't mean you'll be skinny in no time. If you're big, you gotta work your way down. From big, to chubby, to normal, to skinny.

Most skinny girls aren't sick. They just eat healthy, in healthy amounts, and exercise once in a while. But some of them are.

Most big girls aren't sick either. They jusy eat unhealthy, in unhealthy amounts. But some of them are.

I think that the amount of big girls being uncomfortable with their body, secretly skipping meals to lose weight so the bullying will finally stop, are a lot higher than you'd expect. So maybe next time, when you're at a resturant, and there's a big girl sitting by the table next to yours, have a look at her. Don't just assume that she's "sitting there stuffing her face like the fat pig she is". Maybe, in reality, she's just moving the food around on her plate, taking small bites now and then, chewing and spitting it out in her napkin. And maybe, next time you see a skinny girl with thigh gap and collar bones, instead of calling her out for being anorexic and "the reason people get eating disorders", have a look at her. Is that, maybe, a chocolate in her pocket?


4 comment


26.07.2017 kl.16:03

Heter Anorexia Nervosa...

livingdoll

26.07.2017 kl.18:58

Anonym: ja, stemmer. Gikk litt fort på tastaturet der. Fint at du ga beskjed om skriveleifen :)

Mari

29.07.2017 kl.19:43

Hei, det virker veldig som du kopierer fra andre utenlandske sider, oversetter og limer inn? Skrivemåten er veldig typisk sånn du skriver her. Så mye feil, og merkelige ord. Jeg vet ikke om det er tilfelle, men hvis ikke så håper jeg du begynner å ta deg lengre tid med innleggene dine og se over hva du skriver. Det blir lettere for leserne dine. Uansett, trist innlegg - og jeg håper du er frisk den dag i dag.

livingdoll

29.07.2017 kl.21:02

Mari: hei! Her må du nok forklare litt bedre hva du mener :) du starter med å si at du tror jeg stjeler andres åndsverk, for så å gå rett på det å kritisere engelsken min?

Om engelsken min er såpass dårlig som du skal ha det til, er det vel innlysende at den ikke er stjålet fra noe sted, men skrevet av en person som ikke har engelsk som morsmål... For eksempel en nordmann? Jeg er jo norsk selv så hvorfor i all verdens land og riker det virker mer sannsynlig at jeg stjeler tekstene fra noen andre, forstår jeg heller ikke?

WHY ENGLISH?


Through social media I've come to know a lot of people from all over the world. Most of them don't speak Norwegian. Some of them read my blog regardless. So I wanted to make a blog in a language they could actually understand.

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